Disappointment...Or how to avoid it by keeping your big mouth shut

I found myself in the middle of an intense discussion with several co-workers today. We didn’t have enough to do, it being the end of the month, and I made the mistake of being drawn into a conversation I should have avoided. I’m not certain that I could have found the mental temerity to just stay out of it even knowing the outcome. Color me foolish.

It started innocently enough - “Let’s talk about our scariest dreams”…this turned into a talk about recurring dreams, and how to interpret what they might mean. I shared something far too personal, and was met with a barrage of pseudo-psycho-intellectual advice on what was wrong with me, my life, my beliefs. I hit the defensive fence running and never looked back, trying to explain myself to an audience that was so closed off to any intelligent thought they believe every morsel of fear-mongering crap fed to them from birth.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that I would never be able to reason with this group until it was far too late. By this time, I had explained that rather than tell my sons what to believe about religion (or anything, for that matter), I exposed them to as many differing opinions as I could find so they could make a choice for themselves. I was asked, “But what if they choose the wrong thing?”…”Umm, their choice will be the right thing for them, even if it is not the right thing for me; that’s the beauty of allowing them to make an informed choice - they know their options and pick one.” I was then told that I was a neglectful parent, allowing a child to do/think/feel something that doesn’t necessarily fall in line with my ideas. That I may as well give them drugs and alcohol and not expect them to go to school every day. That I was not protecting them like I am supposed to. That by exposing them to all the world has to offer, I have opened them up to being influenced by “bad things”. Apparently, once they see all the bad in the world, they begin to think it is okay because they are numbed, and this will make them do things that “good” kids don’t do.

I’m still so fucking stunned that I can’t even get my head around the narrow-mindedness of people, and the sheer stupidity of thinking that if you live in a bubble nothing bad will ever happen. More on this when I can think straight.

Reflection

Having survived the high school graduation of my oldest son, I can’t help but wonder about the man he will become, and the person he is today, and how much of it really has to do with me and my parenting “skills”.

I will never claim to be the best mother around…I see other women do far more with far less. However, I refuse to be a mother who is certain her child “would never do” this, that, and the other. In fact, I expect that both boys will do a number of things which I find cringe worthy, embarrassing, or flat-out stupid. I don’t think that makes me a bad parent; the fact they will share their exploits with me brings me a sense of satisfaction at their trust in me. They know that I will not judge them, I will give advice as best I can, and won’t go running to their father to “rat them out”. This doesn’t mean there are no consequences for their actions - but it does mean I will try to mete out any punishment with a clear head, rather than immediately declare them ineligible to enjoy any of their favorite pursuits -- time with friends, Xbox live, or going online.

They haven’t had the easiest time. Their father and I divorced eight years ago, and we’ve struggled in every sense - financially, emotionally, psychologically. I made a point of keeping my opinion about their father and step-mother to myself, even when it cost me handfuls of hair to do so. I don’t think I was as grounded as they deserved, and yet they are strong-willed, honest (at times to a fault), and quick to defend the downtrodden. Both boys have goals, and are willing to work hard to achieve them. Unfortunately, their goals have never included taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. They both know how to push me to my limit, nudging and inching me toward the edge of reason, and then laughing when I finally snap. As irritating as I find this, I also enjoy how we interact with one another. But then I wonder if it is the best thing for them, in the long run, and if I am preparing them to be men who can survive in this world.

Maybe this is more about what I think of myself as a parent than what I think of their future. Maybe I am just beginning my mid-life crisis…fuck knows I’m officially old enough. Maybe I am simply being self-indulgent and spoiled. Maybe.

What If (live) by Coldplay

I almost cringe at posting this - there are days I adore Coldplay, and days I'm loathe to admit that fact. Sometimes I just feel like they went through the motions, made some hit songs and sold a bunch of records. And then there are moments when the sound of Chris Martin's voice makes my throat seize up and my lips swell in anticipation of tears. Finding this video on YouTube made me stop, sit, and listen...all while trying to ignore the hitch in my breathing and increasingly runny nose. Enough said.

Mourning The Properly Way

I had a friend tell me once that listening to the album "OK Computer" by Radiohead helped him after the loss of his father. I thought I understood. Now I know I do. I owe him. BTW, this is a live version of Fake Plastic Trees from 1997. It just blows me away.

It's That Time Again...

...Prom Time!!!




Tonight is Justin's Senior Prom - last year he looked like a Pimp, decked out in tails, tophat, and carrying a cane - now he looks like a man. I'm sure I can't hide how incredibly proud I am of him. He is a kind, selfless young man with a knack for putting a smile on peoples' faces, most especially mine.

Wires by Athlete

Once upon a time, this band followed me through the streets of London. They then wrote all the songs on the album "Tourist".

Happiness by Goldfrapp

From the latest by Alison Goldfrapp. She is lovely, as is her voice, and this new release.

All I Need by Radiohead

As if the song didn't move me enough before finding this version of the video.

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Bollocks. Parting sucks, it rips me to shreds, makes me rue the day I ever fell in love in the first place.

With my music collection.

I am not a materialistic person. I am a hoarder. This comes from (and here comes the self-inflicted psychiatry) the fact I had very little growing up, and at one point lost what I did have in a house fire. When I finally get to purchase something, I cherish it and can’t imagine ever giving it up. Not because it is a thing, but because it represents feeling for me.

Fast forward to today - I live in a very small duplex, and we are quickly being squeezed like the proverbial lime after a tequila shot because of my inability to let anything go. Well, my eldest son graduates high school in two weeks, and we’ll have a very special visitor, so it seemed the time to just say goodbye. I’ve been eBaying my little fingers to the bone, listing nearly 300 CDs so far...

But I digress. As I have to let loose with said CD, I also take the time to ensure it is properly ripped to the pc so I at least have the memory, the music, if not, the physical entity. The great thing is I’ve rediscovered some of my very favorite music. Hence the upcoming plethora of music videos I’ll be posting. Let me start with a classic...

Steely Dan performing “Peg” live

Salute Your Solution by the Raconteurs