Reflection

Having survived the high school graduation of my oldest son, I can’t help but wonder about the man he will become, and the person he is today, and how much of it really has to do with me and my parenting “skills”.

I will never claim to be the best mother around…I see other women do far more with far less. However, I refuse to be a mother who is certain her child “would never do” this, that, and the other. In fact, I expect that both boys will do a number of things which I find cringe worthy, embarrassing, or flat-out stupid. I don’t think that makes me a bad parent; the fact they will share their exploits with me brings me a sense of satisfaction at their trust in me. They know that I will not judge them, I will give advice as best I can, and won’t go running to their father to “rat them out”. This doesn’t mean there are no consequences for their actions - but it does mean I will try to mete out any punishment with a clear head, rather than immediately declare them ineligible to enjoy any of their favorite pursuits -- time with friends, Xbox live, or going online.

They haven’t had the easiest time. Their father and I divorced eight years ago, and we’ve struggled in every sense - financially, emotionally, psychologically. I made a point of keeping my opinion about their father and step-mother to myself, even when it cost me handfuls of hair to do so. I don’t think I was as grounded as they deserved, and yet they are strong-willed, honest (at times to a fault), and quick to defend the downtrodden. Both boys have goals, and are willing to work hard to achieve them. Unfortunately, their goals have never included taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. They both know how to push me to my limit, nudging and inching me toward the edge of reason, and then laughing when I finally snap. As irritating as I find this, I also enjoy how we interact with one another. But then I wonder if it is the best thing for them, in the long run, and if I am preparing them to be men who can survive in this world.

Maybe this is more about what I think of myself as a parent than what I think of their future. Maybe I am just beginning my mid-life crisis…fuck knows I’m officially old enough. Maybe I am simply being self-indulgent and spoiled. Maybe.