2008

My initial thought is...What a Crap Year. But that’s too simple a definition for a very complicated year. There have been losses, some of them substantial and life-changing, to be sure. I’m forcing myself to recall that there have been plenty of good, even great memories this year.

I turned 40. And the fact I even made it this far is impressive.

My birthday was all about getting spoiled - I received the biggest bouquet of flowers ever made in the history of bouquets, ever. I was gifted with Fenster (aye, of The Usual Suspects fame), a big cuddly bear as well as beautiful Irish jewelry and great dvds (this, on the heels of DMB tickets for my 39th).

Justin graduated from high school in May, and I had a visit from the person who means more to me than life itself. He got me through the ceremony with hardly a tear and even managed to make me appreciate where I come from - not an easy task. My big baby took a huge step into his future and I was able to be part of that.

I was reminded of how precious some gifts really are, even when they are unexpected - although it ended tragically, I learned that some life experiences are really much more meaningful when you have a few years under your belt. I’m so grateful for the reminder, short-lived that it was, and affirmation of the woman I still am.

I managed to survive Justin’s time in basic training, and got to go to San Diego for his graduation, which was a heady experience. He and I traveled back to Kansas together, and I watched strangers approach him to thank him for his service - nothing makes a mother more proud - and I’m as far from a “military mom” as you can get.

Dylan and I grew closer as he tried on his “becoming a man” boots. He’s always been closer to his father, but with Justin away, he stepped in and did everything in his power to care for me. He seemed to understand that I was feeling weaker than before (which isn’t easy, after the near breakdown of a year I had) and made sure I leaned on him, even when I thought I was fine.

While I mourn the loss of the relationship that defines me, I have to remember how lucky I am to have ever felt so good about being in love. Letting go isn’t easy, but the alternative is making the one you love regret ever knowing you.

There are so many other moments to be thankful for - friends stepping up to help pay the bills when I wasn’t able, hours upon hours of kindness and encouragement when I could barely stand to wake up each day, and the occasional swift kick in the ass when I needed it.

So there you have it - a year full of ups and downs, some tougher to survive than others. I’m not thrilled with where things are right now, but I have to recognize that I have lived a life full of love and laughter with true moments of joy - I really can’t complain.

Better Late Than Never

Black Cab Sessions put up this lovely clip for the holidays - I nearly missed it. Okay, technically I missed it - but here it is for your viewing pleasure.

Enjoy Slow Club...(Chapter Sixty-Nine, to Dylan's delight)

Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Við Spilum Endalaust by Sigur Rós

Weird Fishes/Arpeggi - From The Basement

Nude - From The Basement

All I Need - From The Basement

Go Slowly - From The Basement

Reckoner - From The Basement

Videotape - From The Basement

Bangers & Mash - From The Basement

House of Cards - From The Basement

Bodysnatchers - From The Basement

15 Step - From The Basement

P.S. I Love You

If a man has ever:

• Danced in his boxer shorts for you
• Let you be mental every now and again
  
• Sang to you for Christmas
• Gone above and beyond in order to surprise you
• Planned a trip for you
• Kissed you perfectly, even the first time
• Said "I love you"

...you may find yourself pausing the film regularly, simply to allow you time to catch your breath and prepare for the next scene.

If that man was Irish, you may be forced to watch this movie over and over simply to relive those moments as they happened to you.

I make a point to never, ever watch a movie that I know will reduce me to tears. And then I watched "P.S. I Love You". I can't stop. I don't even like Hillary Swank, and her character is a bit of a spoiled brat - and yet I watch again and again. Gerard Butler isn't even Irish - he's Scottish - but I find ways to overlook that. I can't even decide if the premise is plausible. The fact is, it doesn't matter. Someone crawled inside my head and took little bits and pieces of my past and wove a movie around it, and in the meantime, reduced me to junkie status.

Just In Time For Christmas

I got my catalog from Despair, Inc.

This new beauty pretty much sums up my blog...

It's A Wonderful Life

It has been a Backman family tradition (since I became a Backman) to watch my favorite film EVER on Thanksgiving weekend. Viewing "It's A Wonderful Life" has always been our official start to the holiday season. Most years, we would watch snuggled up on the sofa, mugs of hot chocolate for the boys in hand and a box of tissue close by for me. Once the film finishes, it's time to start decorating for Christmas. Of course, as the boys have gotten older, I've had a devil of a time convincing them to sit down with me. In fact, for the past several years I've had to maintain our "tradition" all by myself.

This year, with Justin away, Dylan was left holding the "time to indulge Mom" reins - and he came through with flying colors. We watched, without interruption, the entire film - there were no quick phone calls, no text messages, no unexpected visitors. And when it finished he said to me, "You know, Mom, that's really not a bad movie."

I think there may be a day when Dylan makes this one of his Backman family traditions. I may have started something...

Happy Thanksgiving, etc.

I haven't got much to say, and this cartoon is about as much effort as you'll get from me. Justin can't leave base and I have to work (yes, even today) so I can't even drive down to see him. So I'm pouting and he's trying to be a man about his first holiday away from home on his own.

Boo fucking hoo.

Happy Bear is My Hero

I don't just dislike clowns, I fucking hate them. They are evil incarnate, hiding behind a facade of happy face paint thinking the worst possible thoughts. I don't trust anyone (anything) that hides behind such a mask. I don't like mimes either, for the record, but they don't freak me out like a clown. Another Savage Chicken cartoon after my heart...



Edited to add: Okay, after further perusal of this cartoon, I believe my initial reaction may have been a bit overenthusiastic. I was looking at this as Happy Bear drinking the blood of clowns to save me from them - no blood = dead clowns. Now I think that Happy Bear is saying he is happy because the blood of clowns is infused with happiness. AARRGGHHH!!!!

The Story by Brandi Carlile

Brandi Carlile - New Music - More Music Videos

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you

Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

Oh but these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you
Oh yeah it's true... That I was made for you

Creep

I found another interesting Black Cab Session. This is a cover of the Radiohead song "Creep" by Amanda Palmer from The Dresden Dolls. Very interesting girl, very interesting cover, very interesting ukulele (but aren't they all).

Halloween Porn

Early Morning Improv

Trading places, or role reversal, or me trying to be strong while he admits he's worried, or something much more clever and interesting that describes my part in this little play called life. I'm not so good in my new role.

Justin is leaving again. He's going back to San Diego, only for a few weeks, but still far, far away. And after that he's heading for more training at Ft. Sill - this time for 2 more months. I have been mourning for days in anticipation of his departure, albeit without his knowledge, or so I think.

I really believed I was doing well until he admitted to me that he's worried, a bit scared, even, about how long it will be until he is able to come home again. He's nervous enough that he stepped outside for a cigarette, to settle his nerves, no doubt. And so now I'm falling apart.

Trying to remind him how much he missed all his Marine buddies, I chirped on about how much he's looked forward to this additional training. I attempted to bolster his confidence by pointing out that in a few short weeks he'll be just hours from home. He just turned around and hugged me.

I find that I hope he has a second smoke so I have time to get myself together. I haven't rehearsed this role and I'm totally unprepared. Improv is not my strong suit. I'm a lousy actress without a knack for the mendacious.

And like that...he was gone.

More Bathroom Fun With Ed

This is another acoustic version from the Bathroom Sessions - enjoy "Aluminum" from the album "Everything to Everyone".

Am I The Only One?

From the Bathroom Sessions featuring Ed Robertson of Barenaked Ladies. There are literally dozens of BNL songs performed in Ed's bathroom - usually on his own, sometimes with a little help from his friends. Let's start with this one.

The Bones of You (live) by Elbow

Watch this Elbow clip - they completely blow me out of the water in this performance. I wanted to post the official video, but unsurprisingly the embed is disabled. If you decide you want to see the studio version, try this link.

Not The Same (live) by Ben Folds

Yes, I'm Odd

Against my better judgment, I responded to one of those "All About Me" questionnaire thingies. One of the questions was "What is your favorite flower?" That was easy - for me, it's the hydrangea. Every person, save one, wanted to know what in the world was wrong with me that I didn't pick something more "conventional".

Okay, when have I ever been "conventional"?

I absolutely love the hydrangea - it is full and lush, promising to share it's secrets with me if I will only safeguard it. It is not one single bloom, but dozens and dozens of brilliant blossoms all snuggled up with one another. They don't fight over the space, or try to detract from one another. Rather, each individual floret calls attention to the one next to her, pulling your eyes from one to another until you no longer see each little flower, but the burgeoning abundance of beauty they create.

I could psychoanalyze my obsession, but I think it's already clear why the hydrangea appeals to me.

Lucifer's Toy Chest

I was reading some internet news and came across an article about banned Christmas gifts. I've borrowed (read: copied and pasted) shamelessly from the article to bring you the following:

As always, Satan's shopping list of Christmas gifts are guaranteed to send your child to prison – and you to a shallow grave. The following Christmas toys are banned from purchase. Be warned: If one of these items is found in your home or on your person, then you'll have to find yourself another place to worship, for you are no longer welcome at this Godly church.

Leap Start Learning Table - Marketed to Caucasian children and Colored adults, this so-called "Learning Table" spits out lies about math, science and other secular bunk Christ-haters teach in public schools. We suggest you just start your toddler out with an illustrated King James Bible and a spanking instead.

iPod Mini - Children will download Satanic siren calls from punk rockers like Clay Akin onto this device. The iPod is not equipped with a child safety lock so Christian parents don't know if their kids are listening to Pastor's sermons or Lucifer's belches. Apple also uses a logo that mocks the Lord by embracing the symbol of fallen man.

Homo-Robo-Sapien - This bowlegged robot walks with the waddle of a Nancy Boy whose rectum is sore from a long night of deviant sex. When the strategically placed power switch between its legs is tilted up to full erection power, it starts a humpin' on anything nearby with voracious lust and moral abandon, and you can't stop it.

Tickle Me Elmo - What the instructions on this perverted little toy don't tell you is that if your child tickles Elmo on the nape between his hairy red testicles and fuzzy hiney, instead of letting out a giggle, he twitches and moans in a suggestive manner, squirting warm yogurt (not included) into your sweet child's face.

World of Warcraft - A video game spawned in the pits of hell. Kids learn to kill their parents by "questing." They are exposed to naked elves with giant purple bosoms which invite their soft and eager fingers. They learn to peel human skin by "leatherworking" with more glee than even sadistic Mary Worshipper Mel Gibson dared!

Aquapets - This penis-shaped toy is capable of opening up the very gates of Hell in your own Christian rumpus room. Aquapets are talking masturbation teaching toys. Your innocent pre-teen daughter will be transformed into a tallywacker-addicted slut before the Lord manages to drain the two D batteries of their Satanic powers.

Sponge Bob Square Pants - This lewd and perverted nelly little yellow cartoon character is causing chaos in Christian homes across America. Not only does Sponge Bob encourage children to question their parents' gender - but if you flip him upside down, his eyes and nose become engorged genitals.

The Grinch Doll - Creation Scientists estimate that if you peel back the green hairs between the legs of this doll, one in every 200 is equipped with a tiny green penis, which is clearly a "dildo" intended to be used on small household pets and insects. It is amazing the sick, perverted things will pop into the minds of unsaved liberals!

Although I can't find an actual disclaimer, I tend to believe this website is intended to poke fun at the more extreme Christian idealists. I may be wrong, but I sincerely hope not. Check out the Landover Baptist Church website for more interesting "Christian" ideals.

Four Years Ago

I was sitting in a hotel room in Shannon absolutely miserable. I had planned for a week in Ireland and it had all fallen apart. And then the most wonderful thing happened - a friend went out of his way to make me realize that the trip wasn't entirely wasted.

Happy Anniversary Baby

Okay, no matter how much I fiddle, I can't get the embed where I want it. Now I'm frustrated - fuck it, so long as it plays who cares that it's not quite right.

Okay, I do...but I'm letting it go.

Jigsaw Falling into Place by Radiohead

Radiohead's Jigsaw Falling Into Place video, as seen on the Thumbs Down Webcast on 9 November 2007. Featuring an amusing intro by Thom Yorke, the black-and-white music video features all five members of the band performing the song using head cams. Apparently it is the first Radiohead video to feature the whole band since 2000's "Idioteque" video, and the first video for a single to feature the whole band since 1996's "Street Spirit (Fade Out)" video. All that historical trivia aside, I just love the song.

NOW I Can Call Him Marine

On the left is my son Justin after graduation at Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego, California - alongside is one of his closest friends, J Barwick, whom he got to know in basic training.

I'm so proud of them both - as part of the largest graduating class in over 20 years - they, along with 665 other graduates have survived 13 weeks of some of the toughest training they will ever endure. The 2-day celebration was really amazing - it's hard to imagine what they have accomplished while away from their family and friends, but the people at MCRD make sure you walk away in awe of these new Marines. I'm still shaking my head in wonder at them all.


Lauren, Justin and Dylan


Dylan and I before graduation, and before the tears started

Happy Birthday Dylan

Here is a picture of Dylan at 4 graduating from pre-school. He still has the same bright smile and uncanny ability to brighten my day, no matter how insistent I am at grumping about. People who really know both of us insist he is very much like me - stubborn, loving, with a ridiculously silly sense of humor. I can tell you he's becoming a man, and it seems to have happened overnight. Happy 16th birthday, Dylan.

Leopold and Debra

This is a picture of my friend from work, Debra. She's standing with one of the newest members of her family, Leopold. I'm also supposed to mention Trixie at Debra's feet checking out Leo.

Now, when Debra was going to meet him he hadn't been named yet. So we sat in our office all shouting out our suggestions...she obviously did NOT choose mine.

Lorenzo Llama(s)

Am I brilliant, or what?

I am also disappointed. Because it is highly unlikely I will ever have a llama in the family and this name will go unused for all eternity.

Moving on...below is a picture of three more family members. You see Ruby and Mae and baby bull calf Tristan. As they had names before she adopted them I didn't get my heart broken again by rejection of my fabulous names.

The Black Cab Sessions

This is kinda cool. I happened upon this website. The premise, as far as I can tell, is an artist or band, or whomever can fit, climb in the back of a black cab and are filmed as he/she/it performs a song. The motto on the website is ONE SONG.ONE TAKE.ONE CAB and I've embedded one of my favorite bands performing.

Death Cab for Cutie (or a couple of members anyway) performing "No Sunlight" from the cd "Narrow Stairs". It's pretty impressive, and a cool concept.

Videotape by Radiohead

This version "From The Basement" - a live recording of the "In Rainbows" disc.

3rd BN Kilo Company Platoon 3233

Another bit of good news...imagine that - two great happenings within one week! The video of Justin's Platoon has been uploaded. He looks great, although he is about 40 pounds lighter. Should you take the time to view, he is in the 2nd row from the top near the middle. Naturally, I believe he is the most handsome of all the recruits...

http://www.devildogs.info/Kilo%20Company.htm

After loading this page, click on 3233 and the video will load.

Lewis Black

Rolling Stone tells me this guy is supposed to be the current "angry man" in comedy - 20 years ago they said the same thing about Bill Hicks. I don't have the same affection for Lewis Black, but he does make a few good points.

And Now For a Bit of Good News

Justin graduates MCRD on October 3, and will be returning home with me for 10 days leave. We heard from him last night, and due to his performance during basic training, he has been given an additional 14 days leave. He will be working with the local recruiters those 2 weeks before returning to San Diego for additional training. I was so looking forward to seeing him, but knowing he'll be here for well over 3 weeks has me over the moon. He sounded incredibly happy, and sure, and changed. That was enough to have me sobbing with relief, and bursting with pride.

The arguments against insanity fall through with a soft shirring sound...

I am re-reading Lisey's Story for the 8th or 9th time. I absolutely fell in love with this novel the first time I ran through it - so much so that I immediately started again.

It's a beautiful love story with the usual Stephen King psychological horror twist. No matter how many times I read it I come away mesmerized by the deep, intense, lasting love the two main characters feel for one another.

baby

babyluv

For You by Barenaked Ladies

This is another clip from the famed "Bathroom Sessions". Ed, on his own, in his bathroom.

First Thoughts on Sarah Palin

I caught a bit of Bill Maher this morning and it got me to thinking about the choice of Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate.

Hey, I think it’s cool that a woman could hold the second-highest political office in this country. What scares, saddens and angers me is that it might be this woman. How did a woman who respects womanhood less than your local street pimp get in this position?

I’ll tell you my take on it - John McCain needed someone who would distract everyone from his laughable policies just long enough that he could get elected. She is going to give the media plenty to talk about, and keep them busy and out of McCain’s business until November. By then, Americans will be in such an uproar over the Republicans mudslinging and insinuations (none of which will ever be proven) that they will vote the way they’ve voted the last 2 elections. And we’ll be fucked for four more years.

Consider this...had Barack Obama chosen Hillary Clinton to be his running mate, the Palin door would have been shut forever. Check that - it would likely never have been opened. McCain’s choice would be some 50ish white guy with experience in DC. And then we’d be getting hit with quote after quote about the lack of “real” experience for both Obama and Clinton. Instead, Obama goes with an experienced white male by choosing Joe Biden - I can just imagine Karl Rove foaming at the mouth at the prospect of enticing all the “Hillary women” to the dark side. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Rove is only giving “informal” advice to the McCain election committee - “right”.

My thoughts are that Sarah Palin is a right wing reactionary anti-intellectual. She endorses and promotes censoring books. I can only imagine her saying that “Harry Potter” books aren’t allowed in her house because they promote the belief in witchcraft and lead children to Satanism. She is a creationist, which is fine by me - until her anti-science beliefs lead her to force her opinions on me and mine. She doesn’t believe that global warming has been worsened by man and our behaviours...and that’s when she even admits global warming is affecting us.

The fact that she’s a woman is of no importance to me. What matters is she wants to take all of us back 200 years to a time when we couldn’t make choices for ourselves, to a time when it wasn’t even imagined that we could make a choice if given one.

I hope that every person in America really thinks about what she and John McCain believe in, rather than being sucked in by the groups pandering to get their vote. Mavericks for change, my ass - we are looking at more of the same. I think our country will have a hard enough time recovering from the Bush years without adding an extra four of McCain and Palin.

Meet Me In Montauk

I have been watching one of my favorite films tonight, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is a movie that moves from moment to moment and back again, expressing the bewildering beauty and existential horror of being trapped inside one's own addled mind while symbolizing the self-preserving amnesia of a broken but hopeful heart. I find it an agonizingly breathtaking experience.

This video is a compilation of scenes from the film set to Beck's version of "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime". Originally done by the Korgis.

Savage Chickens

This seems apt, despite the fact I'm not a librarian. I do, however, insist on keeping all my movies, CDs, and books in alphabetical order. Just another something that makes me so special. Right.

BTW, I love Savage Chickens - the pirate series is probably my favorite, but I get a kick out of most of Doug Savage's takes on life...

For more, try this link.

Anyone Else But You

...from Juno.

I watched this movie with Dylan recently, and he's been singing this song to me since. The sound of his laughter heals my heart.

I Love Storms

We have been under a Severe Thunderstorm Watch most of the evening. I love storms, especially when there is good rumbling thunder and bright lightning. There is nothing as soothing as laying in bed in the dark and hearing the rain chatter as it comes down.

I can remember as a small child standing backwards on my grandparent's sofa staring out the picture window as storms would roll in - my grandmother always joined me, and I'm sure I got my love of the storm from her. I have a feeling this all started as her way of teaching me I didn't need to be frightened, and it simply grew into one of our little traditions...one I gladly passed on to my sons.

Mundane or Magnificent

There are things...simple, everyday, ordinary things that bring me a great deal of pleasure. It's not that they are so extraordinarily special in the whole realm of experiences - I believe it is because they are moments I haven't always been able to enjoy, at least not on a regular basis.

I love, in no particular order...

• The way towels smell and feel when I'm taking them from the dryer - especially if I get to them just as the cycle finishes. They are warm and full and smell so clean. It reminds me of being a girl and being wrapped in a warm towel by my grandmother after a bath.
• Stepping into a warm shower and standing there while the water wets my hair, with no regard for how long that takes.
• Playing my music really loudly while I do chores around the house. Dancing, prancing, singing with no regard for anything but how good it feels to be moving and expressing myself without a trace of self-consciousness.
• Hugging my sons - all 6 feet plus of them. They are the only people in the world who wrap their arms around me and hold me, and let me do the same. And they don't let go until I'm ready.
• Warm chocolate chip cookies, fresh from the oven, with a nice tall glass of cold milk.
• Crawling into bed after the linens have been changed and the bed is nice and fresh. I so enjoy pulling on the sheet until it is loose along the side (so I can stick my foot out) and moving all the pillows until they are just right. I never sleep as well as I do that very first night of remaking the bed.

So, nothing uncommon or unique, but still all exceptional to me.

House of Cards by Radiohead

Why? Because I've been unable to stop listening to "In Rainbows", unable to stop watching the live clips recorded in the basement, unable to satisfy my craving for this sound.

I was a late bloomer, not really coming to Radiohead until my mid 30s (gasp), but I think I have more than made up for that. I'm kinda like a junkie. In a good way.

Missing My Big Baby

One thing that Justin and I really enjoyed was watching Eddie Izzard. I brought Eddie home with me from London (not literally, of course) and introduced him to both boys. Naturally, they were both a bit put off by the makeup - but once they got past the way he looks, they fucking loved what he was saying. This particular bit about the Death Star is the one piece Justin would play over and over. So, because I miss him terribly and it makes me a bit happy to post something that he will read when he's home and be pleased I was thinking/writing/talking about him. First up is the scene from Eddie's "Circle".



This is a really clever lego version of the Death Star Canteen bit.

Finally...A Real Letter From My Recruit

Justin has been gone for 2 1/2 weeks now and I've been just dying to get a "real" letter from him. I received the photocopy telling me his mailing address, and some do's and don'ts (DO write often - DO NOT send candy) but haven't been able to relax because I wasn't sure how he was really doing.

Today it finally arrived - my first letter. He is making friends and enjoying himself (when he has time to consider it) but has a big case of homesickness. It's completely understandable - he has never been away from his family for an extended period of time, and certainly never been so disconnected from all of us. I have been writing daily in the hopes it will help, but seeing "Please write me" in his handwriting nearly broke me. I know this is all part of becoming a man and a Marine, but as his mother I just want to make it all better, RIGHT NOW. I have a feeling this is why recruits don't have phone privileges. And it's probably for the best, because if he knew how sad I am about him missing me it would likely make it that much worse.

So he's becoming a Marine, and I have to become a Marine Mom. Who ever knew it would be so tough?

You see Justin above, wearing his brother's "Rainbows Are Gay" shirt, direct from London. He is surrounded by a few of the lovely ladies from his graduation class while they celebrate at his going away party. I really miss that smile.

What's a Mother To Do?

My son Justin decided he wants to be a Marine. I've no idea who set the thought in his head (lucky for he/she/it) but I can tell you that once it got there it was impossible to change his mind. Not that I really tried, it seemed that if this was the path he has chosen, I should be supportive. So I did, or at least, I did my best. I would, on occasion, ask if he was sure this is what he wanted. And when he replied, "Yes, Momma, I'm sure" (which he did 100% of the time) I would smile and move on to another subject.

But then it was time to let him go, literally. I had to drop him off at his recruiter's office and watch him climb into a bus along with a group of like-minded kids, each making this journey, each for a different reason. I got a bit emotional thanking his recruiters for their support and promises to keep me informed, but I'm sure they've seen that enough times it wasn't too terribly uncomfortable for them. I walked him outside and he turned to hug me goodbye. I thought I really handled myself well, and was doing a great job of keeping myself together. Then I realized he had said my name a couple of times and was trying to unwrap himself from my arms.

Well, I tried.

He has arrived safely in San Diego, and is doing what he wanted to do.

I think it's interesting that he was reading a book called "Becoming A Man" the week before he left. When I asked him about it, he reminded me of something I said to him years ago, which he apparently never forgot - "You don't become a man simply because you get older - it's something you have to work at." My sadness at him being gone is tempered by a sense of pride that I can't verbalize without getting all emotional. He has set a lofty goal for himself, and is doing his very best to make it happen.

Justin made me promise to post a picture of him being goofy, to remind me of how much he tried to make me laugh that morning. The one above was taken as we were preparing to head into town. And it works like a charm, most of the time.

Providence by sixpeopleaway

I stumbled upon this band at a website suggested to me by my friend Connie. I don't think she even knew what it (the website) was all about, but I decided to give it a shot just as a way to pass the time. I still haven't figured it all out - I think there are incentives to doing certain things a certain way (note: I haven't a clue what the incentives may be, or the things to do, or how to do them). What I have found is a bunch of new music, which is cool. I have never really been the giver of great, new music - generally, it is a gift to me which I then shamelessly pass on as my own discovery. Anyhoo, the site is thesixtyone and it's worth a look and listen.

This band is called sixpeopleaway (I HATE that the don't capitalize...it goes against all my schooling) and this clip from YouTube is called "Providence". (However, on thesixtyone it was called "Dig In" - no clue which is correct.) This is some very basic stuff, not a studio video, in fact I don't even know if they have a record deal. No matter, I liked the song, so here it is.

George Carlin - Ten Commandments

George Carlin was a master at pointing out the flaws in our thinking and behaviour. He loved to dish about the inherent excesses in American life and culture, and was a brilliant political satirist. There are very few who had the balls to speak so openly and eloquently about politics, religion and life. We lost a great one.

The Way The War Was Won by Your Vegas

I couldn't find a decent video of "It Makes My Heart Break", but found this on YouTube while I was searching. It's a decent song, a bit on the soft side and not evocative of what they can really do, but still a fair enough choice.

Now, here's a live version of "In My Head"...this appears to be their first "real" song. There's a very nice studio type video of this on YouTube, but the enabling for that one has been disabled.

2008 State Champions

Above is a picture of my sons after they helped their high school baseball team win the 3A State Baseball Title. Dylan (blond, on the left) wants me to point out that he is the younger brother - by three years (I guess his point is that he is taller - leave it to the baby to rub that in).

Being the cynical cunt I am, I'm not a person who experiences a significant amount of joy...but watching them play together and achieve this lofty goal made my heart seize up and tears well in my eyes. One thing I truly wished for them has come to pass - I always hoped they would have a moment like this to talk about as they grow older and go their separate ways. There will come a day when I'm not around to encourage them to love one another despite their differences, and I love the idea of Justin and Dylan sitting around talking about this night and how they got me in a bear hug and squeezed until I squealed for mercy. They thought it was so funny to get me stinky and sweaty, and then invited all their friends to do the same (that's my excuse for my dishevelled appearance).

It was a tough tournament, they were ranked 7th out of 8 teams, and they had to beat the 3rd, 2nd and 1st ranked teams to win the title. I'm so very proud of them!

Disappointment...Or how to avoid it by keeping your big mouth shut

I found myself in the middle of an intense discussion with several co-workers today. We didn’t have enough to do, it being the end of the month, and I made the mistake of being drawn into a conversation I should have avoided. I’m not certain that I could have found the mental temerity to just stay out of it even knowing the outcome. Color me foolish.

It started innocently enough - “Let’s talk about our scariest dreams”…this turned into a talk about recurring dreams, and how to interpret what they might mean. I shared something far too personal, and was met with a barrage of pseudo-psycho-intellectual advice on what was wrong with me, my life, my beliefs. I hit the defensive fence running and never looked back, trying to explain myself to an audience that was so closed off to any intelligent thought they believe every morsel of fear-mongering crap fed to them from birth.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that I would never be able to reason with this group until it was far too late. By this time, I had explained that rather than tell my sons what to believe about religion (or anything, for that matter), I exposed them to as many differing opinions as I could find so they could make a choice for themselves. I was asked, “But what if they choose the wrong thing?”…”Umm, their choice will be the right thing for them, even if it is not the right thing for me; that’s the beauty of allowing them to make an informed choice - they know their options and pick one.” I was then told that I was a neglectful parent, allowing a child to do/think/feel something that doesn’t necessarily fall in line with my ideas. That I may as well give them drugs and alcohol and not expect them to go to school every day. That I was not protecting them like I am supposed to. That by exposing them to all the world has to offer, I have opened them up to being influenced by “bad things”. Apparently, once they see all the bad in the world, they begin to think it is okay because they are numbed, and this will make them do things that “good” kids don’t do.

I’m still so fucking stunned that I can’t even get my head around the narrow-mindedness of people, and the sheer stupidity of thinking that if you live in a bubble nothing bad will ever happen. More on this when I can think straight.

Reflection

Having survived the high school graduation of my oldest son, I can’t help but wonder about the man he will become, and the person he is today, and how much of it really has to do with me and my parenting “skills”.

I will never claim to be the best mother around…I see other women do far more with far less. However, I refuse to be a mother who is certain her child “would never do” this, that, and the other. In fact, I expect that both boys will do a number of things which I find cringe worthy, embarrassing, or flat-out stupid. I don’t think that makes me a bad parent; the fact they will share their exploits with me brings me a sense of satisfaction at their trust in me. They know that I will not judge them, I will give advice as best I can, and won’t go running to their father to “rat them out”. This doesn’t mean there are no consequences for their actions - but it does mean I will try to mete out any punishment with a clear head, rather than immediately declare them ineligible to enjoy any of their favorite pursuits -- time with friends, Xbox live, or going online.

They haven’t had the easiest time. Their father and I divorced eight years ago, and we’ve struggled in every sense - financially, emotionally, psychologically. I made a point of keeping my opinion about their father and step-mother to myself, even when it cost me handfuls of hair to do so. I don’t think I was as grounded as they deserved, and yet they are strong-willed, honest (at times to a fault), and quick to defend the downtrodden. Both boys have goals, and are willing to work hard to achieve them. Unfortunately, their goals have never included taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. They both know how to push me to my limit, nudging and inching me toward the edge of reason, and then laughing when I finally snap. As irritating as I find this, I also enjoy how we interact with one another. But then I wonder if it is the best thing for them, in the long run, and if I am preparing them to be men who can survive in this world.

Maybe this is more about what I think of myself as a parent than what I think of their future. Maybe I am just beginning my mid-life crisis…fuck knows I’m officially old enough. Maybe I am simply being self-indulgent and spoiled. Maybe.

What If (live) by Coldplay

I almost cringe at posting this - there are days I adore Coldplay, and days I'm loathe to admit that fact. Sometimes I just feel like they went through the motions, made some hit songs and sold a bunch of records. And then there are moments when the sound of Chris Martin's voice makes my throat seize up and my lips swell in anticipation of tears. Finding this video on YouTube made me stop, sit, and listen...all while trying to ignore the hitch in my breathing and increasingly runny nose. Enough said.

Mourning The Properly Way

I had a friend tell me once that listening to the album "OK Computer" by Radiohead helped him after the loss of his father. I thought I understood. Now I know I do. I owe him. BTW, this is a live version of Fake Plastic Trees from 1997. It just blows me away.

It's That Time Again...

...Prom Time!!!




Tonight is Justin's Senior Prom - last year he looked like a Pimp, decked out in tails, tophat, and carrying a cane - now he looks like a man. I'm sure I can't hide how incredibly proud I am of him. He is a kind, selfless young man with a knack for putting a smile on peoples' faces, most especially mine.

Wires by Athlete

Once upon a time, this band followed me through the streets of London. They then wrote all the songs on the album "Tourist".

Happiness by Goldfrapp

From the latest by Alison Goldfrapp. She is lovely, as is her voice, and this new release.

All I Need by Radiohead

As if the song didn't move me enough before finding this version of the video.

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Bollocks. Parting sucks, it rips me to shreds, makes me rue the day I ever fell in love in the first place.

With my music collection.

I am not a materialistic person. I am a hoarder. This comes from (and here comes the self-inflicted psychiatry) the fact I had very little growing up, and at one point lost what I did have in a house fire. When I finally get to purchase something, I cherish it and can’t imagine ever giving it up. Not because it is a thing, but because it represents feeling for me.

Fast forward to today - I live in a very small duplex, and we are quickly being squeezed like the proverbial lime after a tequila shot because of my inability to let anything go. Well, my eldest son graduates high school in two weeks, and we’ll have a very special visitor, so it seemed the time to just say goodbye. I’ve been eBaying my little fingers to the bone, listing nearly 300 CDs so far...

But I digress. As I have to let loose with said CD, I also take the time to ensure it is properly ripped to the pc so I at least have the memory, the music, if not, the physical entity. The great thing is I’ve rediscovered some of my very favorite music. Hence the upcoming plethora of music videos I’ll be posting. Let me start with a classic...

Steely Dan performing “Peg” live

Salute Your Solution by the Raconteurs

Since You're Using That Pic Now...

I can't help but think of Bob Ross when I see that cartoon.

I Needed a Smile, This Worked

'Nuff Said

As Cliche’ As It Sounds...

...they really do grow up too fast. I was watching my sons last night, we weren’t doing anything extraordinary, just sitting in the front room with the television going and it struck me that they are no longer the cute, cuddly, adoring creatures I still see them as.

Justin is 18, about to graduate high school, and soon heading to boot camp in San Diego to become an official Marine. He is 6 feet tall, which for our family is barely tall enough, and sturdy as the ageless oak in the back yard. I remember so clearly how much he needed me when he was just a toddler - he was always easily entertained, but he always wanted me within sight. Today he is barely around, off doing what it is teenage boys do when away from their mothers.

Dylan is 15 and a freshman in high school, and testing me every step of the way. I’m told his personality is a mirror-image of mine, and yet I see him as so much stronger and focused than I could ever be. I love that he is actually taller than Justin, by an inch or so now, and he is willowy and lean like his father. He’s the blonde in the family, and I can hear him asking me “Mom, why is Justin all tan like Dad and I have to be white like you?” Yes, this one got my coloring along with my endless tact.

So I can’t cuddle with them. I crave the feeling of holding them in my arms, but at their age, it is just too weird for them. I am lucky that I get a nightly hug and kiss on the cheek before bedtime (mine, not theirs) and that they always tell me they love me before they walk out the door.

That is what keeps me going.

Just Call Him Slugger

Last night Justin hit a 3-run homer, and it was measured at 380 feet. That ball soared straight out center field, over the fence, the flag pole and a lovely flowering dogwood tree. It was beautiful, and he noncholantly jogged his way around the bases, as any "real" home run hitter is bound to do.

Now, for a bit of reference, I checked the Sports Illustrated website for the longest home runs hit in the major leagues last night. Check it out - of the top 25 listed, Justin would have placed at #9, tied with some guy I've never heard of. Impressive, eh?

Life is Good.

Reading, Writing & Movie Making

I’m reading Duma Key by Stephen King (for the second time), and after watching 1408 starring John Cusack I’ve been thinking about the perception of the author, his writings, and the way movies based on his books are almost always utter crap.

For the record, I absolutely L O V E the dark Mr. Cusack, and Mr. King ranks as one of my favorite novelists. But save a couple of lucky hits, most of the film adaptations of King’s novels really suck. It’s not for lack of trying, or bad acting (in many cases)...

My conclusion is thus...due to the genre - not horror, in my mind, but what I think of as "human atrocities and day-to-day oddities" it’s practically impossible to create a visual image of what the books say to you. Because he works on your mind, pulling you to a place he created, yet totally your own, each reader’s location is going to be different. You bring in a director who sees this location in his own way - and there’s not a chance in hell it will be where you went.

Disappointment abounds.

Will I stop watching the films? No way, I’m still enough of a sucker to hope someone, somewhere, will get it. And by get it, I mean, get it MY way. After all, It’s The Law.

Time To Let It Go Already

It's been a year now, but people just can't move one. Here's the deal: One year ago, I was overly involved with Yahoo 360, putting up silly posts, doing stupid tests, giving far too much time and energy to people who didn't deserve it. The love of my life and I hit a rough patch (not rough like dry elbows, rough like walking on broken glass - thanks Annie Lennox for the analogy). We made the decision to do our very best to salvage our relationship and try to move forward - and it's worked. We are closer and stronger than ever before.

The problem began when one of my "friends" decided she could not forgive me for forgiving him. She became way too upset about what had been done to me - almost as if she had been the one hurt. Another "friend", who was more centrally involved, turned to me for comfort for what she had done to betray me. Color me stupid, I actually tried to help this girl. And I listened and cried and consoled for as long as I possibly could.

Well, one year later, and the whinger is still playing the "poor me" game, and the angry hag is still mocking me. When will it end? I've gotten over it, why can't they? Is it so awful to see two people make the most of what they've been lucky enough to find in another and do anything to stay together? Or is it pure jealousy? I can't decide, and I don't even think about it anymore, but last night realized it's been about a year and it just got me to wondering what in the world is wrong with people. I'm thinking they both need some time on the couch and heavy medication.

Regardless, life is good.